Things were going along fine…there I was, walking in The Spirit, following God’s ways even when I didn’t ‘feel’ like it. I felt accomplished, confident in Him, ready to take on the whole world with Jesus at my side and then all of a sudden……. BAM! Everything I’d been working towards, praying for and all the progress that I’d been making just seemed to just fall right through my fingers, right out of my grasp. And so then I began the daunting task of trying to pick up the pieces but I felt I’d blown it so bad that that I couldn’t even find half of the pieces or let alone where to even begin putting them back together again. That my sweet friends, was me…just this past weekend.
As I sit here in front of my computer, I wonder, how much should I confess? How transparent should I be? So I will just start from the beginning and let my words flow onto this blog and in doing so, I pray that I can bring encouragement to others even though I am still feeling the remorse and embarrassment of my actions.
Have you ever seen a two year old throw a temper tantrum? Well…minus the rolling around of the floor, I’m sad and mortified to admit that I reacted just that way this weekend. Every part of me wants to justify my behaviour with explaining “WHY” I reacted the way I did. Every ounce of me wants to justify my actions by telling you what kind of week I had leading up to it or what ‘others’ did to cause me to act the way I did. Truth of the matter- NO ONE made me react the way I did. NO ONE else can choose how I will react in any given situation. The truth is – I and I alone had the choice to behave like a child of God and not a selfish little girl not getting her way. I raised my voice, I yelled and shouted to try and prove my point and when I felt I wasn’t being heard, I yelled even louder. I cried (and yelled) because my feelings were hurt. I stomped away when I felt I wasn’t being heard and would stomp right back with another a childish approach to try and be heard some more. Oh my – I’m cringing right now. Have you ever just wanted to be heard? Most of my weekend was pity party. Most of my weekend resulted in feeling guilt and shame over my horrible behaviour.
But in all of this do you know what God is showing me? # 1, He’s pruning me. I thought I had dealt with certain things in my life and in my heart but I haven’t. Now to go back to Jesus with all of this and ask Him to forgive me and to show me where to go from here…
John 15:2~ He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.
The second thing that He’s showing me is that I’m STILL trying to do this thing called life on my own most of the time. I kept finding myself saying “I’ve been trying to change! I’ve been working on changing! What’s the point in trying to change when I just can’t change?!” So there it is… Jesus is the one who does the changing. I’m to study His word, fall more in love with Him, be obedient to His teachings and HE WILL CHANGE ME. “I” won’t change me…. this is a huge struggle for me. I constantly find myself asking God “HOW HOW HOW do I let you change me? HOW do I stop getting in the way??” Does anyone else struggle with this?
The one truth that I’ve been standing upon for a couple of years now and has encouraged me tremendously is Romans 8:1-2 ~ Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. I had gotten myself into such a state this weekend that I was only just hanging on to this truth by a thread. The enemy was probably laughing, thinking that he’d gotten me to give up. (Now I know that my choices and my behaviour wasn’t the devil’s fault. I have free will. I made my own choices. That was all me. BUT the devil DID use my behaviour, my mistake, my sin as ammunition to try and get me to give up on Jesus, on myself and on my situation. I opened the door by sinning and that gave the devil a foothold.)
This is what I chose to believe now….
*I’m still a daughter of the Creator of the universe.
*I’m still loved
*I have to deal with the consequences of my actions but Jesus still loves me and will never leave me nor forsake me.
*God knew that I was going to have a melt down this past weekend. He loved me 2 weeks ago and He still loves me today-faults and all.
*I am not condemned
*Jesus hasn’t given up on me so I shouldn’t give up on me either…
Can anyone relate? Have you ever had a melt down…a blow up that just spiralled downward? If you have, then you’re not alone. I can tell you that I honestly feel that no one could have reacted the way I did this weekend. I’m sure I’m not the only woman in the world who has ever had a blow up like I did, but I tell ya, the enemy sure wants us to feel alone and isolated. But I for one refuse to stand behind a wall of fear. I for one refuse to ‘appear’ that I have it all together. So there you have it…a real life moment. One that I’m not too proud of…but in this real life moment, there is grace, there is forgiveness, there is conviction, there is opportunity to grow, there is mercy and love even in the midst of my mess up.
Xox Blessings to all of you,